Struggling.

Though I may look fine, i’m very much struggling with myself at present.

Selfie in Salzburg

This selfie picture was taken during a recent trip I took to Salzburg, Austria. Here is the Marbelle Palace in Salzburg, I was treated to Violin concerto music by Mozart.

I have been struggling with a range of mental illness symptoms for a while. Recently they have come to plague me. The negative symptoms of Schizophrenia are altogether quite debilitating; leaving me helpless and unable to function at the best of times, only now when I find myself in flow, and listening to music while writing this, can I relax and switch off from constant worry.

Within: writing-as-therapy I have written about myself and my condition with a different slant. What I wrote at that time has sustained me. I am very serious at present, I feel as if I am getting prepared to die. Or preparing myself for this eventuality.

This is not the most readable work I have produced, this is very morbid and depressing but it has a therapeutic value too, for me at least. I try not to be selfish, but at times when i’m alone I can be nothing but a little self serving and even now, when I am in the midst of providing self care and in a sense promoting self care in the community. As, just this evening I realised that I may be better off being looked after in a hospital wing, but I don’t actually want or wish for that to happen, a lot of my hard fought for Independence would be shattered.

Oberndorf, in the snow.

We had the pleasure of going to a small Chapel in Oberndorf, Austria, where the Christmas Carol ‘Silent Night’ was first performed, while it was snowing on a January afternoon.

Is it perhaps when we are, as humans, most vulnerable and under strain, that we can use a narrative or story we have encountered our past, through language?

A peaceful place, where only a few people were around Oberndorf train station pictured here, it was enchanting.

Travel is my escapism. I do enjoy travelling, but there is even more importance in my travelling to this place in Austria.

Elaborating a little more on the symptoms of mental illness I am experiencing recently, I must say that it’s hard to justify my mood and thoughts of suicide; I am blessed with the most wonderful family and friends and I do feel only, that I have been robbed of a potential for my future. A future that could include all the lovely things in life, which I have written about earlier, but also robbed of a clear cut sense of authenticity and integrity in the broadest sense.

I do hope whoever is reading this will respond!

Thinking of others now, who perhaps do not have what I have; my thoughts are with them.

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