I’m writing here, as writing is natural to me; but I’m writing from a negative space in my mind: listening to Violin (by Perlman – for light relief). I wish I could write the following under a pseudonym, but alas I can not.
I Must state (unwillingly to the world), that I am in a predicament. Deeply affected by the vicarious trauma of the Holocaust; I must try and make something positive come of it; for my own sake.
Deeply alone, I can see no positive future for myself and my ‘negative-symptoms’ (of Schizophrenia) at present. I deeply wish to show my respect for those who have overcome deep adversity, and the Holocaust being the most adverse event in History, it must be said that those vulnerable people living under occupation from the Nazi’s in Poland and elsewhere are in my thoughts at present, following watching documentaries and visiting recently Holocaust memorials in Germany.
Not being Jewish myself is not an issue, for it is documented that disabled people were targeted also by the Nazi’s.
Letting Nature take its’ course, is something I have thought about for some time now, and really and personally I have come to consider my life best lived, through this mindset. That is, I wish to perish alone and I also wish to let Nature take its course with my life. But at present I am feeling extremely apathetic about life.
I have experienced real or imagined horrors in my life. As such I’ve been left scarred. With having experienced Psychosis, my mind will probably never recover fully, though I have felt for some eight years now that Recovery was/is possible for those like myself living with serious mental illness.
To gain in some elusive way from the efforts and successes of others, under extremely serious threats and pressures, in History, has been present in my mind for a long time, through my short life; through vicarious empathy and learning. It may be impossible and even counter productive, but I do feel a personal bond with such individuals.
In truth, I don’t want now for Nature to take its course and for me to degenerate and perish, but in some real way I feel this is happening to me, in my mind at least, and therefore I should or ought to perish soon. Really the empathy directed towards the victims of the Holocaust is always going to be on the surface, but it’s there nevertheless for me.
The truth is elusive for me, as I hope you may be able to tell. I am and have been deeply ‘Philosophical’ in my approach to understanding the big questions in life, but with time I have found this tendency of mine to have increased; if it is not Philosophical, then it is, to put it simply, simply absurdly serious on my part.
It is getting late now, and i’m feeling quite sleepy. But, to be serious for another while longer, I have wallowed in self pity and as a result, sleep is my way of ‘coping’. My relatives would think it lazy but this behaviour is my own way of mitigating suicide – I do think.
If I was in a full-on conversation with someone other than myself, who was in a similar state, I would try to ask that individual to seek medical help soon. But for me, I don’t wish to follow my own sound advice at present. I am letting the situation unfold and even spiral out of control? Perhaps, but this state I have become accustomed to, is just my new normal; now, that should be worrying!
Things really can not be that bad. My own history; I have good family, and some close friends. I have also a good professional support network in-place around me to support me. At times I recognise I am simply being narcissistic, seeking reason for self love even. But this has been, as I say a new norm for me.
This I do feel has been a therapeutic process, this writing business: an ‘expert’ is not required, but at the same time, this is serious enough for me to open up about.
I am disabled, I find it extremely difficult being rational in my Mind. But deep-down I know I want to hold on to life, as it’s may be better than death.
Even now, though I know I am still struggling, nothing is resolved in my mind – about death. And even this writing has a tendency to become so serious that it expresses suicidal tendencies. I must find something outside of myself for a change.
It is useful, I have found, to take the sound advice of Doctors and medical professionals and Challenge the thoughts I am experiencing and the emotions, which can come with them.
This effort in writing has been helpful, I do hope whoever may read it comes to the understanding that, while I am very serious about the matters discussed, there is a genuine difference in expressing thoughts, and actually behaving in such a way, and then carrying through something which one may regret.