This is another personal article on a subject of my choice. It regards mental health in general and elation, a state of heightened joy in particular. Or the absence of it in my life.
This article is in a sense just a record of my past emotional state’s’.
I have not had the feeling of elation for some time now, perhaps because of the medication I am on. People in general may not be aware of the impact certain illnesses and their medication’s can have on the individual.
Here, I am not going to disclose my particular illness or diagnosis, as I feel it may be unhelpful for the you the reader. Suffice to say the condition I have leaves me very uncertain how to talk about how I feel anyway, among other signs and symptoms.
Elation was sometime a natural part of my life during my early teens and twenties. But, following a period of experimentation with substances I feel my experience of joy and elation decreased gradually, from a natural high to a certain state of lowness. My functioning remained low most of my teens and twenties, but my emotional life was certainly affected.
I certainly find it difficult emotionally bonding with others even those closest to me. I am almost afraid of emotional elation because I fear the lows with I have learned will follow for me. This I feel is a core part of my being now.
In my past-history I experimented with (some) drugs and alcohol. Like other I was growing up with, I see the influences of this being global/western pushes on drugs into some communities in the west. This was the environment I grew up in, and I became a victim of circumstance in this regard. Drugs were rife, even in my school, drug dealers were working for their money and thrills.
I don’t know even myself, whether I was susceptible to influence or just that I was growing up in a place where most drugs and substances were normal to use and try.
Certainly in a social sense, I feel guilty now. This feeling of guilt though permeates my world sometimes. To the point where I even show signs of guilt were the true responsibility for an act, has come from those around me.
It’s difficult, it’s also complex. I just try getting on with my life in the best way I can.
To get asking the questions about why I feel the way I do about the life I lead, can be tricky. These words are meant to help.